Paula Abdul and Now THIS????
By John White
Really, the hype machine started months ago when the Patriots traded for Randy Moss, signed Adalius Thomas and then traded for Wes Welker. (Yeah, and somehow a third-string wide receiver became All-Pro overnight just because he was with the Patriots!)
The pundits started their bellowing about how great the Patriots are and somehow forgot to keep puckering up to the buttocks of Brett Favre. Instead, they were ready to mail this one in. Yup! Call FedEx and tell them to package the Lombadi Trophy and sent it on to the Patriots.
Sure, go ahead and give that fourth one to Tom Brady so we can make the coronation official! Sure! He’s already the greatest quarterback ever, right? And Bill Belichick is the best coach ever and give him two weeks to gamepla
n and he’ll beat you good, right?
Instead, something else happened…
It seems to me that each season, the Super Bowl pregame gets longer and longer. For Super Bowl XLII (that’s 42 for those of us who still count with real numbers), we were treated to a “Fox-a-sized” pregame show. WOW! Four hours of promos for American Idol, The Sarah Connor Chronicles, House and any other crap they might want to cram down our throats!
But, to top it all off…HOLY COW!!!!!!! (And I’m not even Hindu!!!!) Guess what, sports fans? That’s right, we are treated to the greatest sportscaster in the history of…wait a minute…that’s Ryan Freaking Seacrest? And I guess because the writers are still on strike in Hollywood and the awards shows were all screwed up we had to have a red carpet at the biggest sporting event in the world? Yeah, right!!!
Why do I watch this crap????
Oh, but it got better! (I say this like I’m the only one in the world who watched it.) We got to see…are you freaking ready for this…Paula Abdul “performing” with Randy “Yeee-aaahhh Dawg” Jackson! This wasn’t exactly a performance but more like Paula proving that her hip replacement must have been successful. She can still dance for a woman 45 years old. (And, I guess, if I was lucky enough to be hitched to a woman with a fanny that was still THAT intact at her age I’d be thrilled!) But I wouldn’t exactly call that a performance. It was actually Paula Abdul lip synching some new song she’s pedaling. And you just know that Fox had to help her promote it!
Now, I have to watch Amercian Idol, damn it!!!! Just in case Simon has something to say about this, I have to be there to see it!
Finally, we get past the macho-fest with Ryan Seacrest and on to some real football guys talking football like it should be. Wait! Terry Bradshaw alert! I was somehow reminded today watching this drivel, why Hollywood Henderson said that Terry Bradshaw couldn’t spell “cat” if you spotted him the “C” and the “T.”
Howie was okay, as long as you like to watch a four-hour Chevy commercial and that flat top hair cut. He did have the opportunity to promote his kid who may be drafted in the top five in this year’s NFL draft. Thanks Howie!
And speaking of hair…WHEW! Straight from wind tunnel testing, it’s Jimmy Johnson’s hair!!!!!!!! Hooray for hairspray! And I swear if he drops another name of another NFL “great” or coach who has been fishing with him in the Keys I’m gonna throw up all those Doritos I was reminded to eat during the game! (Cute chick who won the Crash the Super Four-Hour Commercial With Some Football Sprinkled In Bowl, too! Very nice! And not a terrible singer, though Simon Cowell would have told her that performance was “absolutely dreadful.”)
So, after all of that we finally got some football! And, like Hank Williams, Jr. I was ready for some football! And we got a great game. The outcome? Oh, crap, I almost forgot! Well, just look up at the picture and you’ll know who won! That’s how it usually works. Ya’ see, when a player winds up sitting (and I mean LITERALLY sitting) on the opposing team’s quarterback…well…that team usually wins! In this case…
DING DONG THE WICKED WITCH OF THE NORTHEAST IS DEAD!!!!!!!!
I have a couple of messages to pass along before I close:
To Bill Belichick – Stop cutting the sleeves off those hoodies. You look homeless. Oh, yeah, and stop video taping signals and practices! You’re a cheater and now the whole world knows it. In fact, now we see the outcome when you can’t cheat because you know you’re being watched!
To Tom Brady – Put your boot back on, got to Gisele’s house, rest up for a week or so and then get back out there and do more of your underwear ads. Only this time, when you pose, the rules are clear – you MUST have a New York Giants’ defensive lineman sitting on top of you!
And now, despite Ryan Seacrest, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson crashing what is supposed to be a football game, all is right in the world. Amazon can eat all of those books that had been preordered and a certain columnist from a certain newspaper can eat her words. The upset is complete and only one team is still living at Perfectville (population 1)!
Panthers’ fans, let’s hope that it’s US celebrating an upset next February!!