Studs ‘N’ Duds
By John White
Out of sheer boredom, and the lack of anything original to say, we thought we’d bring you a second helping of “Studs ‘N’ Duds” this week. (Note the slight name change with the fancy ‘N’ in place of the word “And.”)
Let’s take it from the top!
Studs
The Official Spiritual Leader of the 2008 Summer Olympics!
The Dalai Lama has finally come around to support the Summer Olympics being carried out in China. He had originally been mis-quoted by some British reporter hack and it angered the Chinese Olympic Committee.
Well, he’s on their side now. A statement issue recently from the woods, fields or somewhere in the wilderness said, “”It is common knowledge that His Holiness the Dalai Lama has consistently supported the right of China to host the 2008 Olympic Games.”
We’re not sure what his slogan will be but might we suggest – “When you’re feeling a thirst for spiritual refreshment – the Dalai Lama! The official Spiritual Leader of the 2008 Summer Games!”
Don’t stop reading now! There’s more Studs ‘N’ Duds to follow…
Move Over Brett Favre! Uno Has Retired!
Just take a look at that picture! Now everybody, on the count of three! One, two, three…”Awwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!”
Where has ESPN’s coverage been of this cute little mutt? Huh? Why haven’t they been talking endlessly about his retirement? Yeah! He’s a champion too!
They’d rather talk about some human who played football! Why not talk about a real athlete who was the only Beagle to win at Westminster? That’s a great accomplishment!
Now, Uno walks off into the sunset without even so much as a press conference where he cried into the microphone. He never made us wait because he got held up sniffing that last blade of grass. Uno just quietly walked away from competition.
Now, he’ll spend his days as a stud attempting to make more little puppies just like him. Who says a dog’s life isn’t good?
And just when you thought it would be safe to turn on your TV sets again! Yeah! You thought you wouldn’t have to listen to the talking heads suck up endlessly to
Brett
Favre
, right?
Wrong.
There’s a chance he could come back to your living room as a broadcaster. You know what that means – every Fox analyst will have to gush over how great he was/is.
“Oh, Brett, you were the greatest quarterback of all time!”
“Oh, Brett, I’ve never heard such a wonderful southern accent!”
“Oh, Brett, the way you ride your tractor! You’re a champion on your John Deere too!”
“Oh, Brett, you’re the only person we know from Mississippi!”
Here’s hoping that Brett Fah-vruh takes a job on ESPN. I don’t watch them anyway since I don’t like the Yankees and Cowboys. It’ll be like he’s not on TV at all.
Question: Is there something dumber than a pro golfer taking shots at a protected bird?
Answer: Yes! The media coverage of the event and the impending legal action.
Tripp Isenhour (stop me if you’ve heard this one) was trying to tape a segment for a golf show that no one will see. A hawk was behind him making some noise. He decide to swipe a few Titleists at the bird. He connected, killed it and caused an outrage.
So, this bird is protect because it’s migratory, right? Maybe this is a really pretty bird. Maybe this bird has family in high places. And maybe this bird has mob connections.
But…this is a bird! A BIRD!
Legal action will probably be taken against Isenhour because he killed a bird.
I’m not in anyway condoning what he did. He was an idiot. But are we seriously going to spend a large sum of taxpayer money to presecute him? Really?
The marketing dudes in
Major League Baseball
have come up with an idea – all-you-can-eat seats. Let’s all stand up and cheer!
There are now 13 major league ballparks where you can get a crappy view of the game with as many hotdogs as you can cram down your throat. I love America! We are the greatest nation on earth! Somebody call Whitney Houston and tell her to sober up long enough to sing the National Anthem! I’m getting teary eyed!
But it doesn’t stop with hot dogs. You can also have as many nachos, peanuts and soft drinks as you want. The only exception is beer, desserts and candy. I can live with that.
Who can’t live with it are the bleeding hearts who are bent on telling all of us what we can and cannot eat since we’re too stupid to decide for ourselves. “It’s disgusting,” says Christine Gerbstadt, a registered dietitian and national spokeswoman for the American Dietetic Association (ADA). “Why can’t people just enjoy the game and eat sensibly?”
Shut up, lady! I’m trying to watch the game with my fourteenth hot dog! Or is that fifteen?
Just prior to their loss in
Bud Bowl I
,
Bud Light
alleges that
Bud
had been secretly video taping their walk through practice. Bud won the game 27-24.
A source with knowledge of the situation tells Cat Crave that the 1989 walk through practice had been taped by an employee of Bud, a keg employed as a videographer.
We’ll keep you updated.