Go Deep Past the Warden!
By John White
Talk about your two-way players! I thought those days were over. Apparently not.
Michael Vick was playing both ways at a minimum security prison camp in lovely Leavenworth, Kansas – he quarterbacked both teams.
The Commissioner, otherwise known as the warden, didn’t complain even though there was an obvious conflict of interest involved. How could Vick play for both teams and remain objective? You know he had to have at least one favorite inmate on one of the teams.
Regardless, we were proud to send our fictitious correspondent to Kansas to cover the game. He/she filed the following report:
Michael Vick was the star – for both the orange and the, um, orange team. Unfortunately, neither side could gain an advantage since Vick regularly over threw his receivers in triple coverage and fed both defenses with interception statistics.
The game was thrilling, however. Early in the second quarter, after Vick’s 8th interception for the orange team, the orange team took over at their own 35.
That’s when Vick took command and orchestrated a drive that featured 7 yards passing and 58 yards running by the quarterback. He would finish off the march with a fine 3-yard run to hit paydirt.
This game would feature no endzone celebrations as they would violate the rules. Those who were called for excessive celebrations were fined 10 cigarettes each – a stiff fine that the warden calls “fair and within prison tradition.”
On the ensuing kickoff, Johnny “the Slasher” (last name withheld) made his presence felt. He raced hard to his right and up the sidelines past the back of the license plate building, right past the laundry facility and along the sidelines marked by the electified fence for an electrifying 88 yards kickoff return.
He was brought down inadvertantly by a guard dog that had gotten loose from one of the guards. The guards, who were acting as referees, ruled that the ball would be spotted at the location of the canine’s tackle – the orange team’s 7 yard line.
Unfortunately, on the first play from scrimmage, Vick threw an interception in the end zone to end the scoring threat.
The score would remain 7-0 until late in the fourth quarter when Vick would throw his 38th interception of the game. The pass landed in the arms of cornerback Rod “The Pimp” at midfield and was returned the other way for the decisive score sealing the victory for the orange team 14-0.
Members of the winning team each received a bonus of two packs of cigarettes and one day off from the laundry facility. The orange team celebrated their victory in fine style in the prison’s courtyard while smoking their bonuses.
Quipped wideout Sal “The Hitman,” “This is a beautiful (expletive deleted) day! That (expletive deleted) Vick sure can run! But the guy had a hard time hitting his (expletive deleted) receivers out there. I was open like 30 times but the (expletive deleted) guy would just take off running or over throw me every (expletive deleted) time!”
“But I sure am enjoying these (expletive deleted) Salems! I love me a good menthol! Somebody thank the warden for me. They’d (expletive deleted) shoot me if I tried to talk to him!”
Vick’s final combined stats on the day – 14 of 75 for 145 yards and 38 interceptions. He rushed 74 times for 188 yards and 1 TD.
On a side note – the dog that tackled Johnny “the Slasher” was seen growling viciously at Michael Vick and attempted to bite him as he left the field and headed back to C Block. It was a fitting end.