Top Ten Reasons to Hate the Falcons
By John White
Why just root for a team? Does anyone just choose a team to pull for? Don’t we also have to mix the love for one team with a little bit of hatred for some others? We love our Carolina Panthers, yes! Let’s also throw in some hateration for those teams we face so often.
That’s what this NFC South-hating series is all about!
Today, it’s the top ten reasons to hate the Atlanta Falcons.
The countdown begins after the jump.
10. The Dirty Bird? What is that? Really? Okay, so they created a cute little “dance” once upon a time choreographed to the music of MC Hammer. Who will ever forget it? Shoot, who will ever forgive it? Not me! Then they go and take it to a whole new level with that stupid, childish, Jamal Anderson dance that we were forced to endure all the way to Super Bowl XXXIII.
9. One word – Atlanta. Okay, I changed my mind – more than one word. Have you driven through Atlanta? It’s one of the most insane propositions in automotive history. I would feel safer in Beirut.
8. Dome teams are soft! Let’s see, how many times has a team that plays their home games in a dome won the Super Bowl? Twice? Not enough to get these dirty birds a championship!
7. Somebody please tell me what that thing is on Arthur Blank’s face! Here is the co-founder of Home Depot and he can’t afford a little Just for Men to at least make it dark enough to show up? Is he trying for a Rhett Butler thing? Maybe a centipede died on his lip. Whatever it is, he should shave it or call an exterminator. Here’s another look at that growth.
6. Atlanta is home to the company that Blank co-founded, Home Depot. I have been wondering about a couple of things with them. First, why do I feel like I’m in a dungeon or a cave when I’m in one of their stores – do they not want me to see the prices listed on their items? Second, why did I find gummy bears at the register? Who are these for? Do the contractors who come in to haul away a load of lumber start yelling, “Oh! Look! Gummy bears!”
5. Going to a game can be bad enough. Staying overnight could be like playing with your life. The city of Atlanta ranks 12th in murder in the United States. They also rank seventh overall in violent crime. I don’t know about you but if I’m going to see a game in Atlanta, I’m travelling in a large group surrounded by body guards.
4. Interesting statistic – Falcons’ fans ranked their team 119th out of 122 professional sports organizations. Only three teams were worse! (Detroit Lions, Toronto Maple Leafs, New York Knicks) How sad is that? Only franchises with guys as bad as Isiah Thomas and Matt Millen can be ranked behind the Falcons.
3. What are their fans upset about? Coaching. In the midst of a terrible season filled with one problem after another and one loss after another, Bobby Petrino pulled a Nick Saban and quit in the dead of night. He ran off to Arkansas. He didn’t bother to speak to the players. Instead, he chose to pin a note in each player’s locker letting them know that he was crawling out of Atlanta on his belly leaving behind a five-year, $24 million deal. Even Rhett Butler was upset about it, “The best way to describe how we feel is betrayed and let down.”
2. Five words – Ted Turner and Jane Fonda. Most multi-millionaires (or billionaires) are, in some way, really annoying. Mark Cuban is, um, Mark Cuban. Bill Gates has billions but a $3 hair cut – go figure. Ted Turner has that voice that shatters glass while his ex-wife, Jane Fonda, has been causing nausea for decades. At least Ted has the decency to live out of state. Jane Fonda is like some bad cock roach they can’t get rid of in Atlanta.
1. Michael Vick. I’m not sure I need to say anymore.
Help me out. Did I miss anything? Leave your comments below.
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