Jeremy Shockey and his tattoos are now officially property of the New Orleans Saints.
Rumors that the Discovery Channel will be creating a new spinoff television series “New Orleans Ink” are completely erroneous according to sources, however, no one with the cable network immediately returned calls or emails.
Further, the team will be taking steps to ensure that Shockey’s new teammates are not in anyway influenced by the many colorful displays on the tight end’s person. Each player will undergo “Tattoo Prevention Classes.”
“Jeremy will be a great fit with our team. But we certainly wouldn’t want him to sway our star players to add more ink to their bodies as this could impact how they play. This training will be a positive step toward that goal and could help prevent infections from dirty tattoo needles,” said a team official who spoke on condition of anonymity.
As for the tattoo artists, they will be holding Jeremy Shockey specials throughout the next month. Patrons will receive special discounts when they select tattoos that either match those worn by the NFL player or placed on the same body parts.
One negative impact of his signing can be found in the local schools. Educators are concerned that young male students may be tempted to acquire ink of their own by less-than-safe methods. Also, they fear that many teenage boys will begin emulating Shockey by growing out their hair and allowing it to go unwashed for weeks at a time.
There is an impact for the Carolina Panthers as well. Fans can now begin discussions that surround how long it will take for Chris Harris to hit Shockey hard enough to knock the grease out of his hair.