For years I’ve been given reasons to hate the Dallas Cowboys. Years. There was always something that just sort of chapped my butt about them. Oh I don’t know…could it be…that whole stinkin’ “America’s Team” thing?
Then there was always Michael Irvin, Jimmy Johnson, Leon Lett and, of course, Jerry Jones in the modern era. It got even easier to hate the Cowpokes when they signed Terrell Owens. I have to admit, he’s played well, but I still wouldn’t want him on my team. I want him to play for another team so I’ll have further motivation to root against them so it’s perfect having him play for Dallas. Perfect!
Well, if you hate the Cowboys as much as I do, hold on because you could very well be given one more reason to hate them soon enough.
In a land, far, far away there is a situation brewing. The Wicked Witch of the Northeast (the New England Patriots) have yet to sign Dr. Dredlocks (Randy Moss) to a new contract. Dr. Dredlocks could begin shopping himself to other NFL teams starting this weekend when free agency begins.
The Wicked Witch is confident that Dr. Dredlocks will allow them to match any offer he gets in another kingdom and maybe even top the offer by throwing in a bonus of new rubber bands to keep the dreds tied up. (That part about the rubber bands is just an embellishment.)
The problem is that there is yet another evil empire – the hated Dallas Cowboys – who might just make an effort to sign Dr. Dredlocks. Thus, teaming him with Mr. Driveway Workout, Terrell Owens and Mr. Blonde Bimbette Chaser, Tony Romo.
As if there wasn’t enough reason to hate them already! Now this rumor surfaces!
Jerry Jones is building his big billion-dollar football goliath stadium in the land of J.R. Ewing and would love nothing more than to have two of the top wide receivers in the game, a high-flying circus, to sell to the followers of his evil football empire.
Imagine if you will for a moment the combination of Terrell Owens, the “I will yell at my head coach on the sidelines” wide receiver. The man who is more full of it than a Christmas turkey. The man everyone outside of Dallas loves to hate (or hates to hate) now teamed up with Dr. Dredlocks. Yes, the man who said he plays when he wants to. The same guy who takes plays off.
Can you see it now? ESPN will have to move Ed Werder into Valley Ranch! That’s Ed Werder, the man who loves the Cowboys, follows the Cowboys, sucks up to the Cowboys, smooches the very backside of Jerry Jones all for the sake of getting the next dramatic story out of Dallas for the network that can’t get enough Cowboys news (and Yankees news, and Patriots news, and Red Sox news).
I’ll never be able to watch ESPN again. Not that I watch it much now.
Then there will be the next Tony Romo meltdown in the playoffs. Dr. Dredlocks can join Mr. Driveway Workout in the latest tear-jerking episode of “That’s My Quarterback, Ya’ll!”
And let’s not forget that Romo, Owens and Moss can trip off to Aruba, Jamaica (ooh, I wanna take ya’!) or any other place sung about by the Beach Boys, just prior to a playoff loss. There they’ll be, this time with Lindsay Lohan or Paris Hilton, paparazzi chasing them, Ed Werder reporting from Dallas and ESPN wondering if this trip was okayed by team management.
Not to mention that Stephen A. Smith can yell “Quite frankly” about a thousand times when all the ESPN talking heads are picking the Cowboys to win the Super Bowl. Because, as we all know, every team that Dr. Dredlocks plays for is favored to win the big game…they just never do.
The only good that can come from this is that Bill Belichick will have one less weapon to use while cheating his way to another winning season….alright, so now maybe I’m torn. Maybe Dr. Dredlocks should leave the Wicked Witch of the Northeast.
But Dallas? Is that really necessary? I don’t need even one more reason to hate the Cowboys!
The New York Daily News tells us that the Jets might have Dewayne Robertson on trading block. He can’t eat up blockers well enough to play in their 3-4 and he’s going to cost too much so…he could be sent packing.
Lane Kiffin could still get the ax in Oakland. Speaking of evil empires, the Darth Vader of the NFL, Al Davis, has been involved in a stadoff against the coach he hired and wants him out. But Kiffin won’t leave. This situation is so strange that even Fellini wouldn’t do a movie about it. (Monterey County Herald)
In a story that might soon move to the top of the headlines here at Cat Crave, Jerry Jones, the Cowboys general manager, owner, coach, and Arkansas lover, thinks that NFL owners will opt out of the current labor agreement by the November deadline. Labor peace could soon come to an end. (Dallas Morning News)
Asante Samuel, the guy who wants the $100 million contract, has placed the Buccaneers on his short list of teams he would play for. (Tampa Tribune)
The Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel took time out of their busy cheese reporting schedule to report that NFL Commissioner, Roger Goodell, thinks that both London and Paris could support NFL teams.
According to the Denver Post, Bernard Berrian and Boss Bailey could be on the radar for the Broncos during free agency.
The Vikings seem to want to trade wideout Troy Williamson in the worst way and might be making a deal with the Jaguars. (Pioneer Press)
Jonathan Vilma, the Jets linebacker, could be shipped off to the Saints or the Jaguars, according to the Newark Star-Ledger.
The Cincinnati Enquirer tells us that Justin Smith, the free agent defensive end, might give the Bengals the opportunity to match any offer he receives.
After running afoul of the law because of a bar brawl, Bryant McKinnie could be suspended by the league. (Pioneer Press)
As expected, Asante Samuel’s name will be mentioned in connection to half the teams in the league. The Saints are also in the running according to Fox Sports.
The Jaguars have denied permission to the Titans to talk to their running backs coach, Kennedy Pola. (Tennessean)