The Can of Worms Is Open!
By John White
The gloves are off. No more Mr. Nice Guy.
Look, I wrote three posts here that pointed out the top ten reasons to hate the teams in our division (Falcons, Buccaneers and Saints). I figured it would be good for entertainment. Shoot, it might even be enough to start a good debate. I didn’t count on this.
Of all the teams’ fans, the last group I expected a bunch of hoo-ha from was the Saints fans. After all, what have they had to cheer about? Well, that’s what I got. Feedback came flying at me. (Just see the comments after the post on the Saints.) Now, some blogger who I surmise to be a foul-mouthed fan has done gone and done it. Must have been a case of drunken blogging.
I had tried to keep my ten reasons from going into the extreme. I didn’t feel the need to abandon a good-natured ribbing. This chick (I think) has crossed a line of good taste. Sure, she displays some wit but still finds little that can be defended about possibly the worst franchise in league history. Let’s break it down.
10. Uniforms!Baby blue and silver? I’m sorry, is that a football jersey or a wizard’s costume?
(Trick question. The answer is actually hidden option 3, the color scheme of a pre-op drag queen’s long sequin coat when he/she takes the stage for his/her big number. Work it sistas!)
You have got to be color blind. That’s anything but baby blue. Besides, when is the last time you guys updated those rags you wear? Who was president then? And the “big number” you mention would never include any gold lame’, would it?
9. Your mascot’s name is “Sir Purr.” Not to stick with the gay theme, but c’mon. How gay is that?
Our mascot? This is what you throw at us? Your mascot is Gumbo the Dog. Um…yeah! What would a dog have to do with a team called the Saints? Did you guys go to the dogs before the Falcons did? Gay? A cat is gay? I’m sure it’s a lot more gay than a cuddly little puppy dog that is wearing a backwards baseball cap whose biggest defense (see CBS Sportline) is to lick people to death!
8. The “Who Gives a [Expletive]” factor. It’s a sad, sad day when your most recognizable player is a quarterback who’s as old as your coach.
This as opposed to having a player whose greatest strength is hawking every product known to man. He’s obviously not a great football player since all he’s good at on the field is avoiding contact. The guy made an all-overrated team recently.
7. Skanky cheerleaders. Who could forget the classic case of the classy TopCats cheerleaders who got accused of bumping beavers in a bathroom stall and beating up a security guard? And we thought those drunken fans with whiskers painted on their faces took their love for pussy too far. Sheesh!
Yeah, let’s bring up something that happened more than 2 and a half years ago! Besides, what man doesn’t love that story? We’ll take that critcism anyday. Ya’ see, we consider that one a positive. Men all across America (including in New Orleans) were glued to their TV sets waiting for an update on that story.
6. Sloppy seconds. First Sam Mills, then Jake Delhomme. Your team is like the dude who goes after the hot chick, only after she’s been banged by the stud from a rival school and dropped like a hot rock.
Who is your quarterback now? Um, did the Saints draft him? Nope! Your starting middle linebacker had to be drafted by the franchise, right? Nope! This one could go on all day. Every team in the league signs free agents, don’t they? (And you attack the most revered player/coach in our team’s history? Have a little respect for the man and the battle he fought, would ya’?)
5. Your cheerleading roster is a virtual “Who’s Who?” of butter-faces. We won’t call out names because that would be mean. But we will provide you with the link to check them out for yourselves. (Paper bag needed to place over their heads for sexual fantasies not included.)
Right! Your cheerleaders are hotter than ours! Yup! Sorry, I’m a guy and I count no more “butter-faces” on either squad. The only difference in the two groups is that I count one more on your squad. Have your eyes gone bad? Shoot, the average man never sees a cheerleader’s face anyway.
4. You actually started David Carr. Nuff Said. Actually, not nuff said. Allow me to point and laugh at you for a moment…
I’m going to have to take a very deep breath here to be able to list off all the losers your fine franchise has started at the most critical position on the field. I’ll start with putting both Aaron Brooks and Jeff Blake ahead of Jake Delhomme who is a real starting NFL quarterback. Forget it. I don’t feel like typing the names of the dozens of losers who have passed in vain for the Aints.
3. On a list of reasons why your fans hate the Saints, the murder rate in New Orleans shows up. Seriously, you can’t find 10 even mildly football/team related reasons to hate a division rival? But now that you’ve opened the door for attacking a rival team’s city…isn’t it funny that even with the high murder rate and being in recovery mode from a major natural disaster, we still attract more tourists in a year than Charlotte does in a decade? How shocking! I mean, who wouldn’t want to come to Charlotte to check out the er…um, uh…Well, I’m sure you have like a botanical garden or something…right?
I might give you this one. Maybe. Except for one thing. The murder rate in New Orleans was high way before Katrina. Sure, I feel for what the city has gone through since then but don’t act as if there was no crime there prior to that one event. I sure never said that Charlotte was a tourist’s paradise but I’m not sure I wouldn’t choose it over a city where I just might lose my life.
2. Only the Panthers could boast a roster with the likes of Julius Peppers, Steve Smith, KeyShawn Johnson, and John Kasay and still not make the playoffs in 2006. You sirs (make that “sirs purrs”) are the masters of suckery.
And in 2007 the Saints boasted a roster that included a second-overall pick (Reggie Overrated Bush), Drew Brees, Marques Colston, Deuce McAllister and Will Smith and failed to make the playoffs. In fact, the Saints not only finished ’07 with the same 7-9 record that the Panthers had but also officially finished behind Carolina in the standings with all those “great” players.
1. The most memorable thing about your Super Bowl appearance was the .05 seconds when we saw Janet Jackson’s nipple.
The most memorable thing about the Saints’ Super Bowl appearance was…oh, wait! You guys haven’t been to the Super Bowl before! In fact, in the Saints’ 41 years of existence, they have made the playoffs 6 times and have an overall 2-6 record in the postseason. The Panthers have existed for 13 years and have been to the playoffs 3 times and have an overall record of 6-3.
Check!